Suffer in Silence Read online

  “That’s a hard act to follow, but I think Petty Officer Jackson’s point is well taken. We need to get beyond all this petty shit and start working together. Now, on to business. Don’t forget we’re moving into our new rooms this weekend. That means all of your trash should be packed up and ready to go by seventeen hundred Sunday afternoon. Ensign Rogers has the list of new roommates, so contact him if you don’t know who you’re living with.” Smurf cracked a rare smile. “Big party tonight. Murray and Ramirez set it up, so if it sucks, blame it on them. Be there, nineteen hundred, Gator Beach. That’s all I have.”

  Grey turned to walk toward the barracks but was intercepted by an apologetic Jackson.

  “Sir, I didn’t mean to steal your thunder back there. Just thought I could work the crowd a little and get people excited again. Hope you don’t mind.”

  “Not at all, Jackson.” Grey slapped him on the back. “It’s people like you who keep this class together. Nice work. Your powers of persuasion are definitely more effective than mine.”

  “Thanks, sir. You’ve got the right message. You just have to learn to deliver it with a little flair—a little soul.” He winked playfully. “You got to tell it from the mountain, brother!”

  “I’ll keep that in mind.” Grey laughed. He turned and hobbled toward the barracks. “You’ve got the gift, Jackson,” he called over his shoulder. “You should have been a preacher.”

  “Sir, I am.”

  THREE

  GREY AND ROGERS WALKED together down Trident Way toward Gator Beach. The sun slowly slipped below the horizon, casting an explosion of color into the evening sky. The clouds glowed with a purplish hue, and the oversize sun radiated spikes of orange and yellow across the churning blue sea. Grey stopped and studied the horizon. Nothing.

  “You always do that,” Rogers commented.

  “What?”

  “You always look for the green flash. Why the obsession?”

  Grey put his hands in the pockets of his blue jeans and started walking. “Don’t you ever make promises to yourself? Don’t you ever swear that you’ll do something before you die?”

  “What, like sail the seven seas?”

  “Sure. Or run a marathon, climb Mount Everest … or marry the woman of your dreams.”

  “Yeah, but I’m missing a crucial link here. Are you telling me you promised yourself you’d see the fabled green flash before you die?”

  “Exactly. I had a physics teacher who explained the whole phenomenon to me. It’s for real—has something to do with diffraction. I figure if I watch the sunset every time I get a chance, I’ll get to see it eventually, right?”

  Suddenly the stillness of the air was shattered by a crude rendering of Metallica’s “The Unforgiven” on the electric guitar. Larsen. The excitable trainee had been a member of a failed heavy-metal band before enlisting in the navy. Grey and Rogers turned toward the party. Several picnic tables laden with chips and salsa were arranged in a horseshoe shape around a concrete slab that served as the stage. Three kegs lay buried in the sand nearby.

  “Welcome, esteemed sirs.” Murray gestured toward the kegs. “Have a drink. Make merry. The chicks will be here soon.”

  “You go ahead,” Grey said to Rogers. “Murray and I need to have some words.”

  “Now?” Murray’s face fell.

  “It’ll only take a second.” Grey threw his arm around Murray’s shoulder as Rogers walked off. “Look, Murray, I like you. You’re an important part of our class. You help everyone step back and take themselves less seriously, and you absorb more than your fair share of instructor love. I just want to make sure you make it through this program. That stunt you pulled this morning was not cool. You just can’t be late for musters, okay?”

  Murray nodded. His eyes were glued to the ground.

  “Look, I’ll do anything I can to help you out. If you know you’re going to screw something up, let me know and I’ll smooth things over as long as I can. Just remember, I can only cover for you for so long. You’re going to have to pull yourself together and really start making an effort.”

  “I know, sir,” Murray said quietly. “You’re the only person in this class who watches out for me. Without your help I would have been dropped like a bad habit days ago. I’ll never forget that.” He raised his eyes. “I’d follow you any day—anywhere.”

  Grey searched for words but came up empty. He was suddenly embarrassed. A large blue bus pulled up next to the beach, and the door popped open with a hydraulic hiss. A string of scantily clad girls filed out.

  “You hit the sororities?” Grey asked.

  “Of course, sir.”

  “Nice work.” Grey walked toward the party and left Murray to greet the girls alone. The BUD/S students who were gathered around the stage turned toward the new arrivals and cheered loudly.

  “What are you standing here for?” Grey asked the class. “Go mingle.”

  He sat down on a wooden bench as the trainees fanned out into the crowd of college girls. Larsen was still playing guitar, but he had switched to an acoustic model and wisely toned down the music. A slightly skewed version of “Margaritaville” filled the air. Grey ran a hand through his blond hair and cringed when he realized it would soon be gone—and cut off by a stripper, no less. The thought of some big-breasted naked woman shaving his head made him laugh.

  “What’s the matter, Mr. Grey? You gay?”

  Grey turned his head. Chief Baldwin sat nursing a beer several feet away. Grey felt his pulse jump involuntarily.

  “Negative, Chief Baldwin.”

  “Then why the hell aren’t you out there trying to get laid? Even an ugly guy like yourself has a chance with that bunch of harebrained college skanks.”

  “Thanks.” Grey relaxed. “I’ve actually got a pretty serious girlfriend.”

  “Where is she now? Can you point her out?”

  “She’s at UCLA law school,” Grey answered. “She doesn’t exactly have a lot of free time these days, but she promised she’d make it over here sometime soon.”

  Chief Baldwin wiped the beer foam off his mustache with the back of his hand. “She put out?”

  “Like a champ.” Grey hated himself for adopting the false bravado that was expected, but he didn’t want to seem like a prude. A long silence followed.

  Finally Chief Baldwin asked, “Does your woman really understand what you’re getting into?”

  “I think so,” Grey stated. “At least as much as I do.”

  “I’ll tell you now, being a SEAL and having any kind of serious relationship is the hardest thing you’ll ever do.”

  “How so, chief?”

  “Well, before I became an instructor, I spent an average of about twenty days a year at home. That’s not enough time to keep a woman satisfied.”

  “What were you doing for the rest of the year?” Grey asked.

  “I was either deployed or training somewhere.” Chief Baldwin belched. “There’s a reason we have over a ninety-percent divorce rate.”

  Grey shook his head in disbelief. “Ninety percent?”

  “Yup. You better believe it.” He moved to the keg and refilled his plastic cup with beer. “Well, have fun tonight, sir. Enjoy yourself while you can, because Monday is gonna be a serious kick in the ass.” He stood up and raised his beer in salute. “I’m out of here.”

  “Have a good one,” Grey said.

  “Yeah, fuck you, too.” Chief Baldwin flashed a smile and walked away.

  Fuck you too? Grey poured himself a drink as he pondered this response. At least I’m on his good side. He sat back and relaxed as the party picked up in intensity. A brawl nearly broke out near the kegs as trainees elbowed one another out of the way, fighting to deliver drinks to their waiting sorority girls. Grey watched Rogers work on a beautiful auburn-haired girl. She was near tears with laughter, and Rogers casually put his hand on her arm. The girl played with her hair and fidgeted nervously. He’s got her, Grey thought. Not bad. Now Rogers’s mouth was inch
es from her ear, and he appeared to be whispering something. She smiled and nodded, and they walked off.

  “You believe that shit?” Ramirez asked as he sat next to Grey. “The Shakespeare-spoutin’ motherfucker is smooth. I didn’t know chicks still went for that.”

  “Apparently so.” Grey laughed. “What about you? Why aren’t you busy seducing some sex-crazed senorita?”

  “Married, bro.” Ramirez winked. “Got three kids.” He jumped to his feet and pointed toward a group of dancing girls. “Let’s see those moves. I know you Stanford types can get funky.”

  “I don’t know where you get the energy,” Grey said. “This is the only move I can handle tonight.” He raised his beer to his lips and lowered it again.

  “If you say so, sir.” Ramirez jumped into the middle of the dancing circle and whooped loudly. Two pretty young girls immediately sandwiched him, pressing their bodies against his as they moved to the music.

  A black SUV pulled up onto the beach and honked several times. A beefy man with a belly that hung over his belt stepped onto the sand. With a flourish, he opened the backseat door, and two voluptuous women dressed in ridiculously tight tops stepped out. A platinum blonde with a store-bought tan sulkily strutted toward the party, her huge breasts bouncing in a leopard-print top. A raven-haired woman with a heavily made-up face followed close behind. The dancing slowed to a stop as the guys gawked at their new guests. The sorority girls turned away, clearly annoyed at the loss of attention. The blond woman talked briefly with Murray, and an exchange of cash took place. She handed him a CD and stepped onto the concrete stage. A pulsing beat soon echoed across the beach, and the women started to dance.

  Grey felt a pair of hands close over his eyes.

  “You weren’t actually planning on watching that, were you?” a sultry voice asked.

  “Of course not,” Grey answered. “Would I do something like that?”

  “Yes.” Grey felt a pair of lips brush against his neck.

  Grey peeled the hands from his eyes and kissed them gently. He turned and pulled a dark-skinned beauty into his lap. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”

  “I know.” Vanessa planted kisses on his face. “I just couldn’t let some stripper shave your head. I think I deserve the honor.” She reached into her purse and brandished an electric razor. “When do I get to expose your lumpy head to the world?”

  “Soon enough.” Grey gestured at the strippers, who were already topless. “They’re going to start cutting hair as soon as their little show is over.”

  “And what a show it is,” Vanessa said. “There’s enough silicone out there to fill a bathtub.” She wrapped her arms around his neck. “Lucky you, baby. I’m all real.”

  “Tell me about it.” Grey closed his eyes and pulled her close. “I’m glad you came. This week has been horrible.”

  “Are the big bad instructors beating you up?”

  “More or less,” Grey said. “I’m pretty much a wreck right now.”

  “You tell them they better leave you alone or I’m gonna start kicking ass.”

  “I’m sure that’s really intimidating, hon.”

  “What?” She pushed against his chest. “I can fight. Don’t you start with me, boy. I’ll take you downtown.”

  Grey laughed. “I love you.” He rested his head on her shoulder.

  “Oh, looky here, how cute. Two little lovebirds.” Jones flashed his broken-toothed smile. He was wearing a ridiculous black cowboy hat, and a toothpick rested jauntily between his lips. “I reckon you owe me an introduction, sir.”

  “Of course. Vanessa, this is Jones, aka, the Tennessee Wonder.”

  “A pleasure to meet you,” Jones drawled. “I just had to lay my eyes on the woman who stole my boat-crew leader’s heart. I can see he’s whipped for a good reason.”

  “Thanks.” Vanessa smiled. “I try to keep him in line. If he gets too bossy, just let me know. I’ll set him straight.”

  “Will do, ma’am,” Jones said. He tipped his hat. “Be good, you two.”

  The music slowed and the strippers sauntered over to a picnic table. Murray provided them with electric razors, and they went to work. The last of the sun’s rays had long since faded away, but the huge full moon provided enough light to make out the excited faces of the students. The crowd yelled encouragement as trainees had their heads shaved one by one. Grey watched with interest as Jones sat down in front of the busty blond stripper. She playfully grabbed his hat and perched it on her head. The luxurious bounty of her enormous chest pressed against his neck as she gently razed his hair away. A big goofy grin split his face from ear to ear as he reveled in the crowd’s attention.

  “Lookin’ good, Tennessee!” Grey yelled. Jones gave him a thumbs up.

  Vanessa ran her fingers through Grey’s hair. “It’s time, isn’t it?”

  “It sure is. Feel free to get naked at any time,” Grey said playfully.

  “Not on your life. This will be a strictly G-rated event, at least until I get you to myself.” Vanessa stood up and positioned herself behind him. With a click, the electric razor whirred to life, and soon clumps of yellow hair were falling to the ground in waves.

  “Baby, you have an ugly head,” Vanessa said sweetly. “I’ve never seen a paler, lumpier skull in my entire life.”

  “Thanks. You’re a real morale booster.” Grey reached up and touched the scratchy surface of his head. It felt repulsive, like a growth of five-o’clock shadow. “You sure you still want me?”

  “Yes, I’m sure. However, I’m not introducing you to any of my friends for a few weeks.” She put away the razor and pulled Grey to his feet. “You look like you could use a break. How about we get a hotel room and I give you a nice back rub?”

  “Do you have to ask?”

  * * *

  Grey woke up at three thirty with a terrible case of the cold sweats. Fever dreams had become a regular occurrence over the last few nights. He wasn’t alone; most of Grey’s boat crew had been having the same experience. He suspected that hovering at the edge of hypothermia was a contributing factor, and the constant nightmares couldn’t help matters much. Grey had taken to calling the twisted dreams of surf torture and drowning “BUDmares.”

  Vanessa opened her eyes and gently touched his forehead. “Baby, what’s wrong with you?”

  “I don’t know,” Grey answered. “This happens every night. Just try to go back to sleep. I’ll be fine.”

  Vanessa was clearly too tired to argue. She instantly closed her eyes and nodded off. Grey stepped into the shower and instinctively began shivering as the water splashed over him. His body naturally prepared itself for the shock of the fifty-seven-degree ocean; experiencing warmth and wetness simultaneously was becoming a foreign concept. The numerous cuts on his legs and the raw crack of his ass flared painfully as he scrubbed them out with soap. The last thing Grey needed was a serious infection. A member of his boat crew had already been dropped from his class because an infected boil had to be cut out of his ass. Anytime stitches were used, the afflicted individual was forced to cease training. If the doctors deemed staying dry necessary for recovery, the instructors deemed it grounds for a medical roll to the next class. Being wet and miserable was a fiercely protected aspect of BUD/S training. Nobody slipped through on a medical chit. Grey suddenly felt weak. He sat down on the hard shower floor and closed his eyes. The patter of warm water on his weary body quickly lulled him to sleep.

  “Grey!”

  He opened his eyes to the sight of his naked girlfriend standing above him.

  “Wake up. You look like a drowned sewer rat.” She pulled him to his feet and stared in his eyes. “Baby, you sure you’re okay?”

  “Yeah. Tired,” Grey muttered. “No. Yeah. Tired.” He groaned.

  “You’re making no sense.” She turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. Seconds later she reappeared with a towel and started drying him off. His mind vaguely registered pleasure as she gently wiped the water from
his body.

  “You’re the best.”

  “I know.” She stopped drying and kissed him on the lips. “Too bad you’re so tired.”

  “I’m not,” Grey protested. In fact, he was. BUD/S students talked about women and sex constantly, but in reality most of them would gladly take a nice massage followed by cuddling over a night of steamy passion. Just hold me. Grey laughed. He couldn’t bring himself to say it.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “Nothing.” His mind created a conversation. Vanessa, all you think about is sex. Sometimes I think it’s all you care about. Can’t we just cuddle? I’m tired. He laughed again. The words were so foreign to his gender, he knew they would never escape his lips.

  “Someone better tell me what is so damn funny,” Vanessa said as she pushed him out of the shower and onto the bed. Grey found her incredibly attractive when she was annoyed. Naked and annoyed was even better. Still, his body wouldn’t respond.

  “Sleep,” Grey murmured peacefully. He curled up into a ball.

  “Yes!” Vanessa yelled. “I win!”

  “Win what, babe?” He opened one eye skeptically.

  “The bet. Remember? You told me there would never be a time I wanted to have sex and you didn’t. Well, guess what, buddy? You lose.”

  “I never lose,” Grey grumbled. He felt energy slowly creeping into his muscles.

  “You lose,” she whispered. “You lose!”

  “I don’t think so.” Heat rushed into his face. “Not tonight.”

  “Well, look at you. You’re just lying there like a sack of potatoes.”

  “Okay, you’re right,” Grey said. He faked a yawn. “Let’s just go to sleep.”

  Vanessa sighed and stretched out next to him. He counted to ten, then quickly rolled on top of her and kissed a trail down her body.

  “Take it back,” Grey demanded playfully.

  Vanessa laughed. “You’re so predictable. I love you.”

  * * *

  Saturday was a sleepy blur of blissful indulgence. Grey had been pampered with back massages, his favorite Chinese takeout, and more loving attention than he could handle. His lack of energy only seemed to make Vanessa more amorous, a phenomenon he would mercilessly tease her about when training was over—if it ever ended. She kissed him good-bye Sunday morning, and Grey had to suppress the strong urge to jump in the car and disappear to L.A. with her. At the moment, law school seemed like an incredibly luxurious lifestyle. Although by attending BUD/S he was fulfilling a dream, Sunday mornings were an inevitably depressing experience. Floors had to be waxed and buffed, boots shined, uniforms squared away. And on top of everything else, Grey had to move into the new barracks. Rogers was packing up his belongings when Grey walked in to the dank room they shared with Papa Smurf.